When you’re pregnant, and the entire time your child is growing up, every single person is going to give you advice. Some times it will be advice that you end up using every single day. Other times it will be advice that makes you so mad you can’t believe they didn’t realize what an ass they were being. I’ve had both. I would like to give you my advice. Since every body does it, I’ll just join in… except I don’t expect you to take it. I’m just putting it out there for you to use if you feel like it.
Joss was born on January 29, 2012 by c-section.
Wait… I need to start at the beginning.
The Rhythm Method is not a great birth control method. When you find yourself knocked up, on accident, at the age of 30, you’re going to feel like a moron. How is it possible that I’ve been sexually active for this many years and am SURPRISED by a pregnancy?!? Well, I was totally caught off guard, as was obvious from the banging of my head on the washing machine while simultaneously sobbing, “My life is OVER!!!” It was true. My life as I knew it was, and continues to be, over.
So… now into the pregnancy advice. The following is for the women. Men, you can feel free to skip ahead to the section “Pregnancy Advice for the Men.”
Don’t lie about how fantastic being pregnant feels (unless you’re a freak of nature and you love it… in which case I hate you). I believe in not misleading the future pregnant woman. They should know every thing. I was totally ill prepared and I blame all of the bitches in my past that didn’t complain enough.
Nausea sucks. It’s awful. It isn’t morning sickness. If it only happened in the morning, it would be a blessing. It happens all day. Eating crackers before getting out of bed, sucking on hard candy, and the rest of the stand by methods did jack squat for me. It was mind over matter just to make it to an appropriate place to do the yacking. The worst place is in the car, while driving. However, I have great advice for this. Keep a 32oz to go cup in your car, with a lid. This way, when you can’t get pulled over to open the door and barf on the ground, you have a good size container available, and then a lid to put on it so you don’t have to smell it until you get to a garbage. At the place where you plan on throwing it away, you should also plan on grabbing a new lid and cup. I don’t know how many random parking lots I spewed in during my pregnancy. Now, when I see somebody puking out of their car, I always assume it’s a pregnant woman.
There’s a good chance that your pubic ligament is going to spread at some point in time and it’s going to hurt like a mother fucker. Please refer to my previous blog “My Crotch Hurts For Real.” I have been told that chiropractic can help… but I didn’t have the money for it, so I suffered. Hope you have some cash or great insurance!
Sleep whenever you can. When that baby comes, sleeping when you’re tired is not an option.
Don’t bother with stretch mark creams. None of them work. If one of them worked, that company would be known all over the world for it’s miracle cream and no woman would get stretch marks during pregnancy. When there are a billion of them on the market, that means that none of them work. If you’ve got skin that gets stretch marks, you’re going to get them. Don’t worry about it. It is what it is. Just use lotion for the itchiness. When you’re skin stretches like that, stretch marks or no, it gets itchy. Always have something to lube it up with. I’ve heard of women being so desperate at somebody else’s house, they had gone through cupboards looking for lotion, with no luck. So, they snuck into the kitchen and poured olive oil on their belly and they said it was such a relief. Just keep lotion in your purse at all times.
Get comfy bras. Those nipples are going to hurt so bad. Putting them in a pretty bra that pushes them up is going to feel like a vice clamp. Just buy a couple of nursing bras now. Zulily has great deals on them about once every six weeks or so.When it comes to maternity clothes, buy them as soon as you can. I somehow felt like I was just getting fat and not looking pregnant, so it seemed to me that going to the store for maternity stuff was admitting I had gotten fat. I knew I was pregnant, yet I couldn’t wrap my mind around it.
So, just go get those maternity pants NOW. You’ll be so happy you did. They are heaven. Some of them stop with the stretchy material under where you will get huge. I hated those ones and didn’t wear them past month 4. I wanted more support. Another style I had tried on when I just started to show had the stretchy part almost reaching up to my bra. I laughed at how goofy that was and bought them thinking that it would be super cute when I filled that material up with growing baby belly. A month later, it was digging in, half way up the baby bump. The only pants I liked were the ones I bought when I was just showing that I could pull up and over my bra. That means there is enough material there to actually grow in to that won’t squeeze or dig. It seems ridiculous when you’re so small, but trust me, don’t bother with the other stuff. You’re going to be huge soon. Just get the ones that are ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong, they still fit nicely on my bum and legs. I’m not saying get pants that are too big everywhere. Just get the ones with huge amounts of belly covering stretch fabric.
Maternity tops are a joke. They fit up until about month 6 for me. I got huge in the belly region… so I spent most of the last four months (pregnancy lasts 10 months) in t-shirts of Sean’s… and then moved on to ones from my dad. All of the maternity stuff only covered to my belly button, except for two or three tops. So, during your initial maternity purchases, I’m not joking, buy some sweaters that zip up and practically come down to your knees. They will become the only thing that fits you. I also had one maternity sweatshirt, that originally, covered ¾ of my thighs when I pulled it down. That one made it through the entire pregnancy too.
Don’t buy the dad to be books. He’s not going to read them. I have yet to hear of a man that read the advice for dad books. Most women buy them. It’s a waste of money. Just read highlights that you find interesting to him from your books. He will enjoy that. Whether he let’s you know it or not, he is telling people he runs across that his baby is “now the size of a lemon!” because you read that to him earlier in the week. For you, don’t obsess over the pregnancy books. Just have fun watching the baby turn your belly into the blob.
Get a lactation nurse to come visit before you give birth. I didn’t know this was an option and that insurance pays for it. I also wondered why anybody would need help getting a baby to nurse. Babies and mommies have been doing this FOREVER. Babies eat. Mommies nurse. Big whoop. Well… I hate to tell you, but if it doesn’t go well, you’re going to be devastated. You’re going to feel like a failure. You’re going to be sure that you’re baby will starve to death. So, be on the safe side and get the info before the baby comes. Plus, if I had had one come visit, I may have been able to nurse longer than I did because we could have upped my production while I was pregnant. Apparently my breasts are a shape that often doesn’t produce much. Who knew? Well, the lactation nurse knew.
Pregnancy Advice for Men
She is miserable. She is moody. She cries at everything. She yells at you for no reason. She can’t believe you said that. She is going to make your brain spin in confusion. Deal with it and don’t be a dick. Your best plan of action is to avoid responding. Stay quiet. When she insists you respond, tell her what she wants to hear, even if you think she’s wrong. I’m not joking. Not one single solitary bit.
Her hormones are all over the place and it is not her fault. This is especially important to remember if you and the mom are not planning on staying a couple. Sure, there may be other reasons why you two have come to this decision. Do NOT let her behavior during her pregnancy be what you think she is as a person. Many women are not themselves at all. Do not respond by being a dick. So you don’t want to live the rest of your life as her partner? That’s fine. However you do have to live the rest of your life sharing somebody you love with her… and that somebody is going to love her. Keep the relationship with the mother of your child as happy as possible. Any arguing you two do will only cause your child strife. Again. Don’t be a dick. Especially right now. Her hormones are ALL over the place and her body is carrying your child. Don’t give her any reasons to stress out. Make her body be the best place for your child to be grown.
I wasn’t so much on the bitchy side (although many women are), I was more of the sob all of the time pregnant woman. Sean was great about it. He would hug me and say, “Oh, honey…” He neither agreed nor disagreed and didn’t try to make it better.
Make food for her that is healthy. If she doesn’t eat it, bring it to her. If she still doesn’t eat it, maybe she feels terrible and would like something else. She would at least love for you to ask her. My favorite was when Sean would cut up fruits and veggies for me. Lots of times I never ventured near the fridge, so I didn’t get them out… but when Sean got home, he would ask me what I ate that day. My typical response was “nothing” and he would pull the fruit and veggies out and bring them to me. I would eat them when I didn’t feel like hurling. It made me feel special to know he was already taking responsibility over our little one’s health.
Don’t say you’ll do something you don’t really plan on doing. While we’re pregnant, when you don’t follow through, we see it as a sign that you are going to be like that as a dad. We are emotional. We are irrational. You didn’t read the book we bought you when you said you would!?! That means you’re not going to change my baby’s diaper, you’re never going to go to a teacher’s conference, and you’ll probably never say, “I love you” to our child. Irrational? You bet’cha! Factual about what I thought when he didn’t read the book? Yep.
Think it’s funny that her nipples are sore? Think it’s funny that she is walking like a duck? Keep your mouth shut. We already feel disgusting. We also don’t feel like you see us in a sexual way anymore. Don’t add on to that. Again… the best advice is don’t be a dick.
Pregnancy Advice for Men and Women
Get the baby’s room ready by the 7th or 8th month. Many babies are born a little early. If that happens to you, the last thing you’re going to want to think about is putting together the crib. You’re going to want to hold your baby while imagining them in the amazing room you have ready for them. Plus, the first week will be a blur… and having to watch a man struggle with a playpen is just not on the list of things I wanted to do with an infant on my chest.
Ask friends with kids for help on what you’re going to get. Some stuff seems totally necessary… until you have it. Like my Diaper Genie that has to be changed every 36hrs. My hands are too busy for that nonsense. I should have gone bigger or just gotten a garbage with a lid. Other things I didn’t even know what they did until somebody explained it to me. Even while pregnant, tons of their suggestions seemed unnecessary. So happy I trusted the veterans.
Don’t worry about what other people think of your “birth plan.” What’s a “birth plan” you ask? Well, it’s something that people that are considering going without drugs have come up with. It’s the plan they have set up so that everything will be perfect and magical. Special music, mantras they are going to say, who is and isn’t allowed in the room, etc. In my world, this seems like setting yourself up for disappointment. However, I do know some women that this worked out for. I also know quite a few women who felt like failures when they decided they needed the drugs. My birth plan? Drugs. Lots and lots of drugs. The hippy moms would look at me like I was a terrible mother. I know I have a low threshold for pain, so that was my plan… and I didn’t feel bad about it at all.
TAKE PREGGERS PICTURES!!! I know. You feel disgusting. Getting dressed is a rarity. Take the pics in your PJs. I’m now laughing at what I made Sean look at me wearing. Totally hideous. I’m really happy I have the photos.
There’s so much more… but that’s what I’ve got for now.