Joss is going to be 6months old this Sunday. She is quickly adjusting from a cuddling/crying/sleeping infant into a baby that knows what she wants, when she wants it, and how she wants me to do it for her.
When we hit the five month mark, Sean and I were hitting a wall. I was starting to get a rhythm with Joss that didn’t include him. He had worked three different shifts/schedules in that short period, so counting on him for any part of the day wasn’t feasible. Not his fault. Totally my mistake. So, I was getting totally overwhelmed.
It’s like I’m in shock. I have been around kids and babies for so many years, that I didn’t expect to be stressed by the demands of being a mother. I expected to be tired. I expected to get frustrated with hours of crying. I did not expect showering to be something I begged Sean to let me do when he got home. I did not expect that she would need constant attention. I thought she would happily hang out alone. I thought she would sleep long periods during the day. I thought I could do more than be a great mom. It was not possible.
Hugs, kisses, cuddles, rhymes, diapers, bottles, and sleeping. For five months straight. We left the house to run errands, but completing something like this made me feel like I had done something so dramatic as curing cancer. Really?!? This go with the flow momma can’t get a flow going.
I’m winging it. Constantly. It’s totally fucking exhausting. I’m no longer this free spirit. I’m obsessed with poop, how long it’s been since (fill in te blank), and safety. I planned on being a mom that wasn’t Safety Woman. Yeah right. I read all of the articles, I refer to an amazing group of women online, I call friends that are new parents… I’m totally stressing myself out.
My parents offered to drive Joss and I from WA to MI with them, to save us cash on half of a plane ticket for the regular summer trip back. I was all for it. Then I got to thinking about how much less safe driving is, statistically. I envisioned a screaming Joss, me sobbing next to her because I felt so bad for her being trapped in the car seat for four days. Once my parents arrived, I wasn’t sure I could do it. Then I remembered feeling the same before I moved to Seattle and the Mayo Clinic. The “I can’t do this” feeling. Well, time for me to suck it up and stop blaming safety for my becoming boring as shit.
Joss and I are back in MI. We made it without any freakouts until the last three hours. She freaked. I freaked. Dad freaked. Mom freaked. It was a fantastic trip, other than those few hours. I’m so happy I went through with it.
Now I’m back with my village. My people. The ones I have always expected to be around to help me raise my kids. Joss and I are changing drastically with every day we’re here. I’m relaxing, so she is relaxing. Her nap times have gone from 45mins to three hours… and she doesn’t need me to hold her through the nap. She is almost weaned from being swaddled.
SHE LOVES HER GRAMMY AND GRANDAD.
Grandad has taken a layoff for the three weeks Joss and I are going to be here, so it’s been like having two stay at home parents. He has come in in tthe morning and taken her so I can sleep another hour. He puts her down for naps while I run errands and keep my ViSalus business booming. He listens to me. He plays with her and is excited to do so. Then my mom gets home and she kisses all over Joss. Holds her for naps (which Joss and Grammy love). She listens to me.
Then I head out of the house and I run into people I know. I get to enjoy more grown up conversation. I walk around and feel less fat because, let’s face it’ Osceola is not known for it’s healthy community. Plus, I’ve been going to the track and exercising- Babyless because Grandad is the greatest.
Sean just got laid off back in WA and I’m not sure how we can afford to get him here, but we will make it happen because he also needs this. He needs to see what our lives will be like when we can be around an entire village that loves and cares for us and our daughter. Money is money. Happiness is everything. He needs this as bad as I do.